This post was written in response and support of Carley’s Anti-bullying campaign.
When I was in second grade, there was a boy who’s last name rhymed with potty. I’m sure you can only imagine the things he was called because of that. It never occurred to my seven-year-old brain to feel bad for the boy or to defend him because he was mean to me. He sat next to me in class and told me daily that I was a boy because I had a boy’s name. He’d even refer to me using the masculine pronoun. Thankfully the boy moved away after second grade, and I didn’t have to put up his taunts anymore. But I can only wonder about whether he became the bully or the bullied at his next school, perhaps he was both, I’ll probably never know.
In highschool a group of girls I’d been friends with since first grade, suddenly decided to “dump me.” Via aim, I was called a slew of profanity and told that I could no longer be friends with them, all because I’d supposedly made a move on the ringleader’s crush. I remember the week leading up to the confrontation at school and the following aim conversation. I remember hysterically, violently crying in my bed while my mom held me, enraged, wanting to take action. I wouldn’t let her; I knew that it would only get worse if she got the school administration involved. I can see on Facebook, that the group that was so mean to me in highschool are all still friends, and I still feel ostracized when I’ve run into them in town.
I don’t consider my experiences with bullying to be that terrible compared to what I know other kids had to deal with, what kids are still dealing with today. While, I remember exactly how I felt about these two experiences being bullied, I cannot possibly remember the countless times I stood by and watched others being bullied, becoming an unwilling participant just by my inability to speak up against it. The people doing the bullying ranged from acquaintances to friends to the popular crowd. I was too afraid that I’d end up the next victim, so I always kept my mouth shut.
Here’s the thing, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who wanted to defend those being bullied and maybe if I had been strong enough to speak up, the others would’ve too. So this is what I want to add to the discussion that Carley started; it’s never okay to bully another person but it’s also not okay to stand by and watch it happen. We have to teach kids to be courageous despite possible outcomes. We have to stand up for eachother because we all have something that makes us different.
Well, that was an excellent post, Frankie. You are right: bullying is always wrong. When you mention the range of who does the bullying, you raise an important issue: bullying is everywhere and it happens to everyone all our lives. People engage in types of bullying that they do not even recognize as “bullying” when they do it to someone, or on a topic, that is not recognized in the media as a well-known category of bullying. For example, I am not overweight. I will not bore you with a description of the heinous, calculated and rude statements and acts I and my one daughter have been on the receiving end of because our body types do not conform to other people’s comfort zones. There is something within so many people that derives satisfaction from hurting others, and it stems from insecurity.
I would NEVER advocate accepting this state of affairs, but recognizing the inevitability of the fact it exists, and putting it in its place in our own minds helps us cope with it, and where we must encounter it all our lives–from other women, from our husbands, sometimes from people who should love us and often from people at work or random strangers–bullies and potential victims, we are all better off recognizing it in all its ugly forms and building enough strength to figure out what to do each time we see it. I say this because so many people today seem to give up before they give themselves a chance. Ultimately, the good in life far outweighs the bad, and while “high school” exists forever in the minds of those epic “mean girls”, thankfully for the rest of us, it ends and we get more control over who gets to be in our lives.
Glad your mom held and hugged you–you seem to have tremendous confidence.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to this post! My mom has been a constant friend in my life and although we have our own issues, I’m realize how lucky I am to have her. I’m sorry for the bullying you’ve had to endure in your life.
And thanks for that comment too–I am pretty resilient, for myself and have few regrets in my life. Life really does unfold amazingly if you can just see the nonsense clearly for what it is and place it in the “nonsense box” in your psyche and move on. Not to say it won’t be “baggage” but the very things you get bullied for can be your greatest advantages later on, believe me!
This is why it breaks my heart in those extreme, rare cases where kids too young to know this take their own lives over bullying. However bad it is, it gets unbelievably better and in spite of the need for all parts of society to solve this problem, kids (adults too) MUST learn resilience and ways to get through situations. Inner strength, patience and understanding, God, mom, whatever it takes.
What a great post. You hit me in the gut. Today, I chewed out a young girl who was whinning about what she was expected to do, and as I look at the incident now, I realize that I acted like an adult bully towards her. I was intimidating in the way that I treated her and that was so wrong. Thanks for the wake up call. I will be sure to apologize to her at tomorrow’s practice. And keep writing. Love it!
Aw I’m glad this post came at the right time for you. I hope you’re not too hard on yourself. We all have our nasty moments.
We got it fixed today, she said her attitude catches her with lots of people. Ha!
Glad everything worked out!
There is bullying (picking on someone for no reason) and there are fights. I know I have been pushed out of groups of people for the same thing as you “Being too friendly apparently with the ring leaders crush” I was called all sorts of names too, but the thing is I do not think of it as them bullying me. I think they just got sick of me. Which is fine, they went about getting rid of me as teenagers do.. meanly. I think we must be careful in calling things “Bullying” because if we are not careful no one will ever be able to have a fight with someone because “hurt feelings” will be called bullying and cops will be called (cause the government is now getting involved in personal fights). There is a fine line and I think that fights instill character in people and allow them to be able to realize not everyone is going to like them in the world.
While I 100% agree with you about there being a very fine line between fights and bullying, I think you’re wrong in your definition of bullying. Bullying isn’t just picking on someone for no reason (I’m pretty sure bullies have their reasons, saying their victims are gay, stupid, fat etc.) and while I don’t have exact definition, I know it’s far more than that. Would you consider my story bullying if I hadn’t have been friends with them before that? I didn’t get to into exactly what happened (because almost 10 years later, it’s still really difficult for me to think about it), but I didn’t do anything and they started a rumour about me, and then used the rumour to ostracize me, not just from their group, but from most of my class. I really appreciate your comment because it made me reexamine what happened and consider it from your perspective but I still feel it was bullying. No one should be made to be feel worthless or powerless and that’s what bullies do. And I agree that fights instill character, but so does bullying. Does that mean we should allow it happen? I don’t think so.
Yeah my definition was on a whim for sure
I do not think that the girls would have made is so personal (again I could be wrong, these girls could have just been girls that would do that sort of thing to anyone). My belief (without knowing all details and not being involved even romately in the situation) would be the reason why they made it personal is because they sat around and talked about you behind your back and got themselves to think you were being nice to the guy on purpose, to upstage your friend. So then it got super blown up as teenagers always do to things and it went way to far. I believe the situation did not start out as bullying but due to the rumor and the actively making sure no one liked you part would be bullying in any case. We should allow fights to happen and I believe that letting bullying happen would be case dependant. As in, did a person just bully them once, is it a daily occurance? Like again it would depend on case by case issue. You get your lunch money taken once, you move on.. it happens daily.. an adult needs to step in.
I think a lot of people feel the way you do. But I respectfully disagree. I think bullying is always wrong. Do I think that school administration should always be involved? No. I think the human race should teach their offspring about what it is to be human. Compassion, Understanding, and Acceptance are important qualities that should be instilled at young age. If they were, than maybe bullying wouldn’t be so prevelant in our schools.
We agree that parents need to teach their children to be decent humans. I am glad to see you do not always see fit for Administration to be involved. We are not so different there. I am a firm believer that it is the parents job to instill those qualities in their children. Great Discussion!
It was nice to have an open discussion about this, without it turning into a “fight” so thanks!
The reason adults can’t stand back and let everything sort itself out is that they are there to teach. Humans take a lot of years to be adults. Many become adults and continue to bully–too bad nobody stepped in with those people . As Frankie mentions, many kids can’t identify bullying as bullying when they see it. Many adults bully in complete oblivious disregard for the fact they are bullying because they don’t recognize their behaviour as bullying.
School administrations need to be proactive because parents of bullies are frequently unaware that their children are bullying–in some cases they are dismayed to find out how long their child has engaged in bullying by the time anyone tells them. A victim will be permanently scarred or suffering a debilitating loss of confidence by the time a bully’s home finds out about it. In any case, parents are not inside the schools to coach their children and no matter one’s values at home, once “bystanders” are at school trying to fit in, the values of home very often go by the wayside. Lastly, it is a sad reality that many parents don’t care if their children are bullies.
For example, I never used the word “fat” in front of my children except to refer to stuff we cut off the meat at dinner, and yet they eventually picked up this critical, derogatory word at school and began to sling it about ruthlessly, and although they are good, well-intentioned people, I am still working on eradicating it again (they’re probably Frankie’s age).
So, whether parents “should” instil/teach all sorts of lovely things, there are many reasons this ideal is only one part of a solution, starting with the fact that it is an ideal but not a reality.
I definitely agree with your points. I think that it’s really important for administration to get involved in most cases, because it is their role to teach their students how to handle life situations, not just school subjects. I think my point is more that besides instilling good qualities in their kids, parents should be part of the bullying discussion and be aware of what their children do. You’re definitely right though, schools need to be involved because there a lot of (nasty, careless) parents out there who won’t teach their children how to be nice people.
And yes, Frankie the parents should absolutely be in the bullying discussion: often they themselves learn a great deal from it.
Hm, I have two girls, youngest is in the mid-teens, and it is pretty clear that there are indeed girls who just take a strange satisfaction from hurting and manipulating other people. Lots of them. Doing it repeatedly is wrong, and doing it once is wrong. “Fighting” is merely a socially inept way of handling a problem and, although it happens (we all do it at some point, no exceptions!), it is part of the learning and growing process to stop doing it to the best of one’s ability, and ASAP. I do not expect everyone to like me or my kids any more than I expect my kids or myself to like and hang out with everyone else. But there is a kind way to “ditch” someone you don’t want to be friends with, and an unacceptable way. There is no excuse to be mean, ever, and if it happens we must try to stop it. Again, we all do it but the idea is to try to be better and not to accept our worst character. That’s the “human condition”, the struggle to be better, isn’t it?
I don’t know if Travelling Wife has much exposure to kids on social media these days but what an unconceivably vast can of worms that opens up for the issue of bullying. Without years of exposure to teenagers on social media I do not believe it is possible to realize the devastating power of today’s bullying. Of even ONE incident of that type of bullying.
I will be the first to say that kids need to be taught resilience, how to handle things themselves, values that will allow them to get along with other people and to accept, cope, etc., etc. There is not enough focus on this side of the coin, BUT all bullying needs to be nipped in the bud, and every instance of it is a learning and teaching opportunity to be seized without delay in which permanent trauma can occur. No one approach will suffice by itself.
I see plenty of value in a bully realizing she is bullying and none whatsoever in letting her finish doing it; it reduces her as well as hurts the victim.
Opinionated? Sure am.
I think you worded this excellently so thank you. You made me feel better about considering what happened to me, bullying. Those girls were mean, they handled the confrontation the wrong way. And while I didn’t want my mom to get administration involved then (I was afraid of further being labelled a goody-two-shoes), who knows what would’ve happened. Maybe those girls would’ve realized their erroneous ways and we could’ve been friends again (I doubt it but maybe.)
You should add your thoughts to Carley’s original post. I’m sure she would appreciate everything you have to say. And social media, is definitely one of the major reasons bullying has become as rampant as it has. It is so easy for these teenagers to say cruel things without having to see (face-to-face) the effects of their actions. I know social media interactions with those girls were some of the worst parts of the whole ordeal.
You sure hit the nail on the head about saying cruel things without actually looking your victim in the face while doing it. So cowardly, really. When my first daughter and her friends first started going on email 10 or so years ago, that was my primary concern even then before Facebook and slander websites and the rest of the more recent problems arose–as if teenaged girls aren’t cruel enough when they are out of the view of adults, having the internet to hide behind just brings the absolute worst out of people. Even for a mother to try to prevent her own child from bullying or help the child learn to handle situations thoughtfully, the internet makes it extremely difficult.
I don’t know how to add thoughts to another post and did not really catch what “Carley’s post” is, but feel free to add/link/copy anything of mine wherever you think it would do any good!
And it is ten times better to be a so-called “goody two-shoes” than to be one of those insecure girls who waste themselves doing the wrong thing instead of being an achiever of anything. I say that not as a mother but as a proud “goody two-shoes”. Girls insecure enough to be chronic bullies usually don’t have the confidence to accomplish all that much in their lives, due to the sort of things they get personal validation from–true fact.
I’ve been in your mother’s position and I know just how hard it is not to step in when your first instinct is always to protect your child. I had a similar type of thing happen to me in high school and it was misery. I thank god that I didn’t have to deal with social networking too. I had to deal with the situation at school and occasionally in social circles but my home was a fortress. Kids now don’t have that. Bullying follows them home via the internet.
I know. The internet definitely created an entirely new breed of bully.
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I’m sure a lot of girls can relate to your story, Frank – I had a similar situation happen to me in seventh grade. My group of “friends” decided they didn’t like me anymore. In order to tell me so, they defaced my class photo, which I had given to one of them as a gesture of friendship, and threw it at me as they walked out to the bus one day. I was so embarassed and hurt and confused, and I never got an explanation as to why they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Over the following few months they passed notes about me, laughed at me when I had to find new people to eat lunch with, and generally did everything they could to make my life miserable. It’s a terrible feeling to go from friends to no friends in a day. But I definitely got over it, in time, and even though it still makes me sad to think about it, I know there are other kids who are going through/have been through much worse than I have. So, all in perspective, I guess. We can’t really judge others’ situations since what seems like benign teasing to one person can be another person’s world crashing down.